


Surprise! You're dating

by rabble_dabble_writes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26350543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabble_dabble_writes/pseuds/rabble_dabble_writes
Summary: Idea helpfully supplied by a lovely anon on Tumblr! Essentially, this is two idiots who everyone knows are together but them.
Relationships: John Egbert/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 9
Kudos: 46





	1. Prologue: As always, it's Dave's fault!

Hushed whispers that start out ridiculous and end up gentle. Nights going out to fun events where they both end up at each other’s side. The overwhelming stack of Karkat’s favorite troll movies right next to John’s stack of horrible Earth ones. 

Dave knows exactly what’s going on here. 

Of course, he doesn’t let on that he knows yet. It’s his two best bros, after all, and he wants to give them an out if they just so happen to have been getting more chummy around each other than Dave himself would be usually comfortable with. It’s not like he has all of the free time in the world as those two do, really, so if he happens to be wrong about it (although Dave isn’t really ever wrong) he can just blame it on how many times he finds Karkat more at John’s than he does at his own house. 

His strategic plan is simple: ask one of them until they give in. 

John’s too squirmy, so his default choice is, of course, Karkat. Karkat’s definitely going to chew his head off, whether in embarrassment or being found out, so, he’s gotta make this count. Dave, although not much of a planner, knows a good opportunity when he sees one. He abides his time, and waits, and waits, and _waits_ …

John taking a leak is the _perfect_ cover. 

“So,” Dave starts, one hand full of porcelain counter and the other with a red cup of cold soda that bites fuzzily at his mouth. “You and John, huh?”

“What _about_ me and John?” Irritated already, Karkat stands in front of a heat box that is popping the third mess of popcorn waiting to happen. “I have no fucking clue what that’s supposed to mean.”

Dave takes a sip of his soda. “I mean, that’s a thing alright.”

Karkat squints his eyes over to him, his face akin to someone who has heard the stupidest thing in their entire life. 

Dave doesn’t falter as he continues. “I just mean that my two best bros have really been hitting it off for a while. I mean, it’s not like I have anything against that, ‘cus I’m cool with all that, but I’m just wondering when y’all plan on, I don’t know, actually admitting it.”

Karkat stares blankly at him for another three popped-filled seconds, before grumbling, “Dave, stop being a shithead and just ask whatever it is you’re thinkpan is attempting to S.O.S. into the world without giving you a mental breakdown.”

Dave frowns, but he tilts his face enough that one could spot the start of red eyes. “Bro. You have to tell me: is John your boyfriend?”

Dave doesn’t get the look of shock or flush he expects from the troll. Instead, clear as day, Karkat looks almost _bored_.

“Of course we’re boy friends, you shithead. I’m pretty sure that’s been established at some point in our twisted fucked-up version of life that we have pretty much always been boy friends.”

Dave’s eyebrows skyrocket to the moon. “Wait, shit, really?”

Karkat nods without looking at him, eyeing the popcorn bag intensely. “Uh. Yeah? When has that never not been a thing? With what we’ve all been through, it would be just a complete lie to say that we aren’t, like, the best of boy friends. I mean, he’s said to me before that I am. I think it’s completely idiotic, really, but at least this is better than nothing. You humans and your weird shit is so confusing at times, but at least he’s enough of an idiot to dumb it down for me.”

Dave sips his pop a considerable amount to think. _Holy shit_ , his mind whirrs, _I didn’t expect him to actually admit it._

And then Dave’s cheeks flush, because oh, how many times did he invite himself over without understanding he was interrupting something?

“Shit,” Dave hisses. Karkat turns to him with an eyebrow perked, but Dave just chugs the rest of his pop, waving him off, and heads towards the kitchen door. “Sorry dude. I didn’t know.”

Karkat’s face is undescribably irritated with a mix of confusion. “Um. Okay then, well, at least you know now? Where the fuck are you going.”

Dave excuses himself gracelessly. “I have to not be a cockblock somewhere else. See you guys later.”

Karkat doesn’t even get a word in before Dave’s shut the front door. 

The timer on the microwave beeps and John enters the kitchen with wandering eyes. 

“Where’d Dave go?”

“I don’t know,” Karkat mumbles, taking out the steaming bag and careful not to burn himself. “Something about not blocking something else? He was being weird.”

“Yeah, okay,” John giggles. He points to the popcorn bag. “You going to share?”

“Only if you let me put on my movies.”

“Aww man! Fine. Don’t forget the salt!”

\---

As Dave Strider walks down the road to the city, he does a very, very, uncool Strider thing. 

He calls first. 

“David.”

“Hi Dave!!”

Dave brushes off anything said afterwords to interrupt and go: “Guys, shut up, you’re not going to believe this. John and Karkat are _dating_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short introduction to our story; i.e. this has been sitting in my drafts for almost a month and now I gotta post it or weep. Also, the spaces are there for a reason. :)


	2. Chapter 1: Knowing is half the battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Egbert comes to understand two things: One, he's an idiot, and two, he's far more of an idiot than he gave himself credit for.

John Egbert considers himself a funny, friendly guy. John Egbert understands that, sometimes, being a funny, friendly guy does not work out in his favor, as a lot of the times, he gets himself into a lot more trouble than it’s really worth. Sometimes, being a funny friendly guy backfires so hard that it lands him in the hottest shit he’s ever seen, and, really, that’s when he starts panicking and finally admits to himself that he’s landed in hot shit and needs to backtrack to his mistakes. 

To John currently, this doesn’t appear to be one of them. 

Watching movies are a required regular occurrence in the Egbert household. They cannot be anything otherwise, as half of the time Karkat shows up at his house with a bundle of his good troll DVDs and the other half is John inviting Karkat over himself, as he always has something new or something awesome or something that will _totally_ convince the troll that he has the better movie taste, ever, in the history of all time and he needs to prove it now or it won’t count! In any case, it’s less surprising to find Karkat at John’s than it is to find him at Kanaya’s, or worse, Dave’s. John Egbert’s home is more or less a second home to Karkat that John is more than willing to provide to him, and really, John finds no irritation when Karkat walks through the front door without knocking and smirking while holding up the troll version of The Princess Bride that both of them have already seen not four times, not five times, but eleven times already and counting. 

John will always use the excuse that it is not the troll’s smile that he lets him play his movie first but rather that he promises to let John put on Men in Black afterward, and possibly, the second one too.

And so, it appears to be a regular John and Karkat day as they settle on the couch with a new batch of fresh popcorn and the movie remote in their already greasy hands. Karkat sighs, entranced in the beginning as the first “ _As you wish,_ ” is uttered and John chuckles because, really Karkat, it’s only just the start of the movie! But he bites his tongue and settles close to his friend, preparing himself for a good hour and a half of mushy gushy troll romance and confusion he only bears for one troll friend. 

But, to both of their surprise, John’s phone rings. 

“Dammit, Egbert!” Karkat growls, crushing the popcorn in his hand to make a clear _snap_. John knows one clear lesson from Karkat he’s learned from day one of their friendship, and it’s the guy does not like his movies interrupted. 

“Sorry!” John sheepishly apologizes, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I wasn’t expecting a call.”

“Well, you better expect that I will, for the foreseeable future, complain to the ends of your stupid planet to its grim demise because _nothing_ interrupts The Princess Bride without the retaliation of Karkat fucking Vanta-”

“Dude, it’s Jade,”

“Oh,” Karkat’s tone drops, and he pauses the movie without hesitation. “Well answer her, fuckwad!”

John rolls his eyes as he brings the phone to his ear. 

“Hey, John!” Jade’s cheery tone greets him. 

“Hey, Jade.” He echoes back. “What’s up?”

“Weelllll, I just wanted to call to say…”

John waits. “Say what?”

“To say….”

“Jade, what are you wanting to say?”

“Sayyyy……….”

John groans. “Jade, please, I’m in the middle of something. And Karkat’s going to kill me with his dagger eyes if you don’t hurry up so we can get back to it.”

Karkat flips him off but says nothing as he waits patiently. 

Jade’s silence turns from teasing to surprise, but John can’t decipher why before she gives an, “ _Oh!_ ”

“What?” He asks curiously. 

“Okay, well, sorry if I’m-” she snorts, and John can’t help but smile at his sister’s infectious cheeriness. “ _Interrupting_ anything, but I just wanted to call to congratulate you!” 

“Uh,” John gives. “What?”

“Yeah! I’m real proud of you, John. I thought we’d have to stage an intervention or something to get through to you!” 

John’s face blanks. Intervention for what? John isn’t aware of anything that would caution an intervention from his own sister. 

“Dave told us this morning,” Jade continues, oblivious to John’s questions. “I was really surprised by what he said, but then I thought about it, and, yeah, I figured that’s probably exactly what happened!”

_Oh_ , he gets it now. Dave’s probably playing a prank and roped John in unknowingly. Or, he’s trying to prank John too, but John’s too good at falling for that! John shakes his head for his sister’s poor, naive mind, and plays along.

“Oh, yeah, totally! It’s exactly as he said. I mean, maybe he embellished some facts here or there because he’s _Dave_ , but whatever he told you is _exactly_ what happened!” John chuckles quietly to himself, thinking about asking Dave later for whatever prank he’s set up. 

“Oh John, I’m so happy to hear that!” Jade’s glee sings. “I hope you know that I love you, and so does Rose, and we’ll support you no matter what.”

That makes John a little more hesitant. Jade _really_ sounds genuine, she probably got duped _so_ hard. “Um, thanks! And I love you too, sis.”

“And tell Karkat he better not break your heart!” 

Wait, _what?_

But before he can ask, Jade says a “Bye John! Tell Karkat bye too!!” and hangs up.

“Are you done??” Karkat, at the end of his patience and the start of a ranting memo, points the remote at the television. 

“Yeah,” John nods, half out of it. “I think so? I don’t know exactly what she called for, but I think Dave is playing a prank on her.”

“Not our problem,” Karkat grumbles, and presses play. He leans back and this time claims part of John’s side for him to lay on, prompting John to give an _oomph_ in return. It’s most likely payback for the time already taken away from Jade’s call pushed onto John for punishment. It wasn’t even his fault! Dave started it, apparently. 

But then John’s thoughts turn fully to that. What had Dave said to prompt Jade in calling him? Apparently something that had been on her mind for a while, but John thinks, he doesn’t really know what there could be for her to completely fall into the Strider trap. Jade’s a bit gullible, but not dumb. It’d have to be something _major_ for her to even start _thinking_ about believing Dave about anything…

John’s phone rings before he can think any more of it.

This time, Karkat gives him more of a strike-you-down death glare and doesn’t move towards the remote, so John has to shimmy his way from under the troll’s position and walk into the nearest hallway for him to use. 

His caller ID indicates Rose, and he groans as he brings it to his ear. 

“The situation took me off guard.” Rose immediately claims, barely letting John get in a breath of a sentence. “Well, not specifically the subject. When it comes to you and things you like to avoid, it’s almost like reading a list of all the things that tend to get one J. Egbert hot and bothered until his face goes red like a wailing child. I’ve seen you throw more tantrums over things you dislike to talk about than I have seen you genuinely upset at a certain subject of interest.”

“I have no idea what you’re saying, and I have no idea what you’re talking about,” John replies grimly. “Also, I do _not_ act like a wailing child!”

“Yes, focus on that, shall we?” Rose’s amused tone slips in, though John has a sneaking suspicion she let it so. “I’m not making fun of you. I’m stating facts.”

“Facts for what?”

Rose sighs deeply like everything is very obvious by looking through a window and declaring the current weather. “About one supremely hetero-claimed John Egbert. Who, ultimately, declared what he wanted to be for the rest of his life at age thirteen when no thirteen year old has any right to so much as talk as they do sneeze. So, I did think about it, and I came to the conclusion that all of us were very dumb to think that we had any power whatsoever about what we thought and how we thought we’d think the same thing all the way to adulthood. I can give you this little slide for the time being, though, as we can all say that we’ve made mistakes in adolescence that we come to regret many years down the line. This being one of them, I’m surmising from your end. I’m just surprised that you didn’t think to admit it.”

“All I’m getting from this conversation right now is that you thought I was dumb and you still think I’m dumb until something said I wasn’t.”

“You’re not dumb,” Rose says, matter-of-factly, still the echo of _sometimes_ grasping desperately at the end of her sentence. “I’m trying to be relatable.”

“You’re failing. You’re failing so hard. None of that was even words I’d be able to comprehend in ten years.”

“Who knows, apparently,” Rose mumbles, probably not meaning for John to hear it, but her voice comes clearer with her next line. “Well, I wanted to extend some sort of celebratory congratulations. My instincts tell me that Jade’s already done so, but I don’t know how long she talked to you, if about anything concerning this, and I wanted to extend my hand in aid if you ever happened to find you needed it.”

Oh! Is this about the prank? How did Dave get Rose too??

“Um, I’m good, thanks,” John breathes out. “I already told Jade that she’s definitely right about whatever it is she was thinking.”

Hehehe! John is _absolutely_ going to ask Dave later how he ever got Rose to fall for his prank.

“That’s good. I guess it wouldn’t bother you two, then, if Kanaya and I were ever to invite you and Karkat over? Supposedly, we could have the type of fun that insinuates in the borings afternoons of weekends, covered toe-to-toe in double couple glamor until we become too cliche for our own good.”

“What?” John understood none of that. “Rose, you can always invite me and Karkat over. You don’t need my permission!”

“I doubt that, but in any case, would it be a bother to extend an invite just this moment?”

“Well, I mean, we’re sort of in the middle of a movie,” John turns his head to spot the couch, and on in, and engrossed Karkat dangerously dipping into their popcorn supply. “This is the second time my phone’s gone off and I think Karkat’s already pretty mad at me.”

“Oh, of course, I apologize for interrupting your date.”

“It’s no proble-”

Wait a minute.

_Date?_

“Waitwaitwait!” John finds the words stopping his sentence before his brain can comprehend it. “Rose, it’s not a _date_.”

“Well, you two are most likely at home, right?”

“Yes?”

“And you’re watching a movie?”

“Uh, yes??”

“And you’re watching it, together, in a setting that is more or less likely set for only the two of you to enjoy?”

“...what’s your point in this?”

“That you’re remarkably dense, John. I thought you wouldn’t even mind the term, seeing as you two are a courteous couple in any case?”

Wait-

Rose thought they were _dating?!??!_

“WHAT?” John says loud enough that he can see Karkat turn his head. “Who said that?!?!”

Rose’s quietness fills John with too much anxiety. 

“You. Just now? And to Jade?”

“I never said that!”

“John, you said you definitely told Jade she was right in what she said.”

“I didn’t think she thought _that!!_ ”

“What did you _think_ she meant?”

“I don’t know! I thought Dave was playing a prank on you guys!!”

“John,” Rose’s tired tone gives out. “Dave said Karkat _himself_ told him.”

John’s heart stops.

He _what?_

He looks over at his friend on the couch, giving him half a curious eye and half if-you-don’t-hurry-up-I’m-going-to-eat-the-rest-of-the-popcorn grin, and John’s eyes widen.

“But he never..” John trails off, face red, mind _racing_.

Karkat has _never_ told John they were _dating_.

But, does that mean…

Were they dating, and John just never realized it!?

Holy shit, Rose is right. John is _dense_.

John gives Rose a, “I have to go,” before ending the call and searching for the one person in the list of contacts to give him answers. 

It rings around five times before the last note is interrupted by a Dave Strider’s, “Sup,”

“Dave,” John grits out. “Why are you telling people that Karkat said we were in a relationship?”

“Um, because he told me?”

John slides down to the floor, a pajama butt hitting the wooden floor uncomfortably. “He _told_ you that we were dating?”

“Yeah dude. I asked him, and he was all like, yes siree, of fuckin’ course yo, we have been for a good while now duhhh, get it into your stupid thinking panhandle or whatever. I was surprised, because dude, I didn’t even know, it wasn’t obvious, but then I thought about it and was like yeah, okay, it didn’t need to be obvious because it was already so obvious by how you guys act around each other and stuff. It was like another loop of obviousness, except you were hiding in plain sight and had everyone thinking you weren’t together and you were just flirting a lot, but shit, you guys were together the entire time and we’re just all a bunch of kids who got played. And now I feel embarrassed, because I made a bet with Roxy to see how long y’all would take, and now I’m learning that you were with each other the whole time. I lost out on those precious boonbucks, yo. You cost me, Egbert.”

John gulps, fumbling with the edge of hit t-shirt and staring intensely at the troll on his couch. 

_Holy shit we are dating!! I’m such an idiot!!!_

“Dave, how long did you think we weren’t together for?”

“Uhhh, I dunno, probably a good few years or so.”

_Wow. Just. Wow._

“Jesus,” John whines, and Dave laughs.

“Don’t worry, it took a while before we all suspected the same thing. To be honest, though, I guess that’s also why it maybe looked like you were just messing around and not dating yet. Speaking of which, you’re obligated by bro code to tell me how that happened, seeing as there’s no way Karkat’s going to speak up without some bartering. I’m wavering in my poor Strider heart over here at the story of my two best bros looking into each other’s eyes and declaring, yeah, I wanna initiate sloppy makeouts so badly with that nerd. It’s gotta have, like, one makeout story, at _least_. I lost boonbucks for this, so you have to make it good.”

“I’m not doing that,” John miserably states. 

“Aw, come on dude, I’m your best friend. I won’t go squeamish at a little kissing.”

“ _Dave,_ ” John says a little firmer. “It’s not happening.”

“Oh it happened all right, you ‘n’ him were makin’ it happen-”

“Thank you, David!” John shrieks, before ending the call. He slumps back against the wall with a sign, thinking whirring thoughts about how utterly an idiot he is. 

But then a pair of legs block his vision of his wooden floor, and he looks up to see two golden slanted eyes. 

“ _Why_ did you decide the floor suddenly appeared like the best place to watch the movie from?”

“Um,” John stutters, embarrassed. “I recently realized how much the Troll Man in Black makes me quiver from girlish delight?”

The troll rolls his eyes, before extending a silent hand that John takes without hesitation. Karkat immediately lets him go and walks back over to the couch, but John stands in the doorway of the living room, looking at his hand where the troll’s one was placed only moments before. 

No one would blame him if he’s thinking about it now that Dave’s brought it up.

He lets himself think about it as he walks back over to his seat on the couch, not hearing Karkat’s relieved sigh and only registering they’re watching the movie again when Karkat’s placed the nearly-empty bowl in his lap. Awww, Karkat saved him some! That’s so cute, he usually doesn’t save any for anyone. 

...aaand that’s probably why everyone thought they were dating, huh.

John’s concentration flips between the popcorn and Karkat, not even attempting to focus on the movie before his next glance is caught by Karkat’s watchful eyes.

“The movie is not over here, Egbert.” Karkat’s tone of _what in the fuck are you doing_ rolls thickly. 

“I know!” John sighs heavily. “I’m distracted.”

“I can see that. Get over it before I declare this a binge night of all my classics!”

John’s eyes flicker back to the tv, but even then he can feel Karkat’s curious gaze against the side of his head. Even though they’ve watched this movie more times than John would have liked to watch it, he still can’t see what’s on the screen and only thinks about Dave’s words. 

_Everyone_ thought they were flirting all this time? That these movie nights and hanging out and all the times John’s shown to Karkat how much fun they could have together if the troll was willing to go with him-

John wants to facepalm himself. 

He looks over at Karkat again, gazes falling over and- _oh!_ He has a much better idea. 

Silently, he takes the troll’s hand. 

John bites his lip as he thinks, _oh no he’s going to hate me forever he’s going to push me away he’s going to-_

Karkat does nothing but sticks his other hand to claim what little popcorn is left in the bowl. 

John smiles widely on the outside as he tries not to scream on the inside. He’s definitely going to make it up to Karkat for all the time he spent thinking they weren’t dating! 

At least, that’s what John tells himself as he’s forced to get another bowl of popcorn, in the endearing tone of “That’s what you get for missing the best movie in existence!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super long, which I didn't mean to do, but I also don't want to break it up! I want to make the other chapters long so it'll match with this, but that's also a lot of work....  
> Oh well.


	3. Chapter 2: Karkat gets threatened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is an idiot who sometimes needs his friends to point it out. But, really, he has no idea what he's done this time.

Karkat Vantas doesn’t ever, if at all, claim himself the nicest person anyone would ever meet. Karkat doesn’t even believe that such a statement is _possible_ given how many people he’s met has actually called him mean, rude, an asshole, a douchebag, an idiot, or, his personal favorite, ‘the worst singular organism that has ever graced the presence of this establishment’ which was a random human lady with the worst haircut he has ever seen yelling at him in a grocery store. He uses that insult, sometimes, because he really thinks that the lady had the most brain cells in her mouth then she had in her own empty head. It sometimes perplexes Karkat how irrationally stupid some of his friends are for being, well, his friends, especially when he’s proved more than once that he’s an idiot stumbling through life who refuses to even look at the guide that came with it. 

But sometimes, Karkat recognizes, he needs them, because they’re really there for him when he’s wrong in the worst ways.

When he finds Jade in his doorway one morning, though, he really isn’t thinking that he’s done anything to warrant her chilly demeanor. 

“Hey, Karkat!” Jade waves to him from his front door, smile wide and fangs glinting.

“Um, hey?” Karkat stands aside to let her in, closing the door behind her while not looking away. “What’s going on?”

“Oh, nothing!” Jade waves off, but Karkat raises his eyebrows anyway. “I just wanted to see how one of my favorite troll friends feels!”

“I feel fine?” Karkat answers, still unclear of Jade’s intention. “I don’t know what you’d need to know that.”

“Oh, it’s just I heard something _very_ interesting and I wanted to drop by to confirm it!”

Karkat watches her for a moment, as she looks intently at him, before motioning with his arms for her to continue.

“You need something, Harley?”

Jade floats quietly into his living room, before dropping her smile. “Yeah, okay, I’m going to get serious here.”

“Serious for _what?_ You still haven’t explained why you’ve decided an impromptu visit, Jade.”

Jade floats quietly, looking around Karkat’s front room until her eyes finally land on him again. 

“I want you to tell me how you feel about John.”

Karkat’s curiosity wins out a thousand times over his anger - or maybe he doesn’t want to do anything stupid with the way Jade’s talking to him. “What do you mean?”

“Like, what do you feel for John?”

Jade waits for his answer, even when he stands there staring at her like she’s lost her mind. 

“Uh, he’s an idiot?”

That’s the wrong thing to say, because Jade frowns. Jade frowning is usually a bad thing, and really, nobody wants to be the person to make Jade Harley frown. It’s against everything the universe has ever stood for, and it’s a wrong occurrence in the world for it to appear. 

Karkat starts again. “I mean, he’s not...a bad... _friend?_ He’s called me his best friend before.”

Jade blinks at him curiously. “Aww, that’s cute. But how do _you_ feel about John??”

Karkat shrugs. “I don’t know. Relatively peaceful with his existence? Sometimes he grins at really bad moments and it makes me want to punch him but honestly, I think he thinks it helps me or something. I haven’t told him to stop because if I do he’ll get weird at the fact I noticed and then he’d probably think I was more of a weirdo than I am so-”

“Ugh, Karkat!” Jade shakes her head. “You’re making this really hard to take you seriously!”

“Well, you’re the one who asked me about how I felt!”

“That’s because I want to know!”

“I still don’t understand what you’re trying to get at here, Harley.”

Jade purses her lips and puts her hands on her hips. “I’m trying to understand if John will be okay or not!! I want to make sure you won’t break his heart.”

_Break his heart? What?? What does that mean??_

“Uh, I’m sure I won’t do that?”

Jade’s face twists in surprise and then relaxes into a happy grin. “Really?? You promise me??”

Karkat nods along, even though he has a feeling he doesn’t entirely understand what it is he’s agreeing to. “Yep. Why would I have a reason too? We all know if we so much as tell him off he gets all misty-eyed and do that evil human thing that looks almost like pity to make us feel bad for him. I won’t break his..heart?” What was a heart again? And why did it break? He’d have to ask John later, after whatever this was. “I will consider it the greatest crime of my lifelong timeline if such a thing is to happen.”

Jade envelops him into a surprise hug. “Oh thank goodness! I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you or John, Karkat, and I’m so glad we came to an understanding!” 

“Uh, sure? Let’s go with that, we definitely both understood what was a mutual thought there. For clarification to no one in particular, will you say what it is we both just completely understood?”

Jade looks at Karkat, eyes bright and deep and _electric_ , before saying, “We both came to the understanding that if you were to break John’s heart, _I’d tear apart every atom in your body and feed it to the closest celestial body I can find._ ”

Karkat gulps. Yeah, he _has_ to ask John just what the fuck that sentence meant. 

“Oh, but that won’t happen now that you know to treat John well!” Jade laughs, and pulls herself off Karkat to float near the door. “I’m so proud of you two!! I thought you guys were always very cute together, and it’s just so wonderful that one of my two best friends are going to take care of each other!”

Karkat shakes his head along to Jade’s words, too scared to comment in case he accidentally said anything stupid to interrupt her happiness. 

“Well, take good care Karkat!” Jade says cheerily, not finding anything wrong with Karkat’s silence. “And take care of John too!” 

“Bye Jade,” Karkat replies, and watches her walk out of his door. 

Then he silently slumps against his wall in an attempt to not freak out by whatever thing Jade just threatened him with, and pulls out his phone.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling  ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: REMIND ME TO NEVER EVER POTENTIALLY RISK THE CATASTROPHIC RECKONING THAT IS JADE HARLEY AND HER UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF ACTUALLY THREATENING DEMEANOR, OF WHICH SHE HAS THE LITERAL POWER TO TEAR EVERY PART OF MY BODY APART, PUT ME BACK TOGETHER, TEAR ME APART AGAIN, AND THROW WHATEVER REMAINS IN THE NEAREST CELESTIAL EVENT THAT CAN DESTROY HUNDREDS UPON MILLIONS OF SOULS.

CG: ALSO, UH, WHAT THE FUCK IS A HEART AGAIN??

EB: um, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. This isn't as long as I wanted it to be :( The next chapter will make up for it.


	4. Chapter 3: Communication is key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Karkat talk a lot and still misunderstand every single word the other one is saying.

John’s starting to think Karkat suspects him. 

After the recent movie night (and one weirdly winded pester asking about what hearts were??) Karkat has been a lot more..tolerant towards John and his attitude. He means, the troll usually gets wound up over very small and dumb things, but even as he called John to rant about finding his toothpaste replaced with hair conditioner he didn’t scream at John for nearly as long! Or, like, when he came over at John’s insistence (begging) to play some video games, he didn’t even get mad when John beat him for winning nearly every game! Although he did seem pleased every time John did lose.

But seriously! If he and Karkat weren’t dating, he’d be _very_ concerned about Karkat’s sudden change.

...Oh, who is he kidding? He _is_ worried! Not only can he help but feel guilty for not knowing they were together, but he wonders how many times Karkat’s changed in a way he couldn’t see at first, and now all John can think about is how Karkat might be feeling.

So, while he brushes his teeth for bed (checking beforehand that no pranks are afoot) he messages Karkat with his worry. 

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

EB: um, hey, karkat?

CG: WHAT COULD YOU WANT NOW YOU TUMOR ON MY LIFE.

EB: aww, i care about you too!

EB: but no, seriously. i need to ask you a question!

CG: WHY ARE YOU EVIDENTLY NOT ASKING ME A QUESTION THEN.

EB: karkaaaaat.

CG: WHAT.

EB: karkaaaaaaaaat.

CG: WHAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT.

EB: karrrrkaaaaaaattt!!!!

CG: I’M GOING TO TURN OFF MY COMMUNICATION DEVICE AND GO TO SLEEP IF YOU DON’T JUST ASK YOUR QUESTION ALREADY.

EB: lies!! you never sleep.

CG: JOHN.

CG: I AM TURNING IT OFF NOW. GOOD NIGHT.

EB: no, wait!!

EB: i’m just wondering…

EB: are you mad at me?

EB: um, karkat?? hello??

EB: aw man. you didn’t actually do that, did you?

CG: I WILL. YOU ARE TESTING MY ALREADY THIN PATIENCE. 

EB: just answer my question!

CG: MY SIMPLE ANSWER IS NO, YOU IDIOT. I’M NOT MAD AT YOU, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE GETTING ON MY NERVES RIGHT NOW. IF YOU THINK THAT I’M IN ANY WAY PARTICULARLY ANGRY AT YOU MAYBE IT SERVES YOU RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD THINK THAT. 

CG: ANYWAY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M MAD?

EB: well, i dunno! you just seemed so..well, placid, lately?

EB: and i just thought maybe it had something to do with me.

CG: OH GOD DAMMIT. I MEAN, YES, THAT DOES HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU. BUT IT’S LESS OF ME BEING IN SOME WAY UPSET AT YOU AND MORE THAT I HAVE ELECTED TO TRY TO DO THE HUMAN THING AND BE “NICE” FOR THE SAKE OF KEEPING EVERY PART OF MY BODY INTACT AND EXACTLY WHERE IT IS, INCLUDING ALL OF MY SQUISHY INSIDES STAYING ON THE INSIDE AND NEVER SEEING THE LIGHT OF THE SUN.

CG: OR THE VACCUM OF SPACE, WHATEVER HARLEY’S PREFERED CHOICE OF BODY MORFATION SHE MAY HAVE SOMEHOW GAINED AN OPINION OF.

EB: wait, jade threatened you to be nicer??

CG: NO, SHE THREATENED ME ABOUT YOU AND I HAVE DECIDED TO BE NICER OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY

CG: IT’S HEART, RIGHT?? OR SO YOU TOLD ME.

EB: wait, is THAT why you asked me about that???

CG: YES. I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY WITS BUT I DIDN’T EXACTLY KNOW WHY. SO I WANTED TO KNOW WHY. AND NOW I REGRET EVER WANTING TO KNOW WHY.

CG: I SHOULD’VE JUST ASSUMED IT WAS BAD OVERALL AND ACCEPTED MY FATE FROM THE BEGINNING. 

EB: aw geez!! i’ll talk with jade in the morning about that. she can’t just go threatening my boyfriend!

CG: GLAD TO SEE I’M A PRIORITY IN THAT RUSTING THINKPAN OF YOURS. ALTHOUGH I DON’T KNOW IF YOU WANT TO WASTE YOUR BREATH, SEEING AS JADE HAS A LOT OF POWER OVERALL AND CAN DEFINITELY SEND ME TO SPACE WITH A BITE AND A BARK. 

EB: nooo!! she will not, i’ll simply tell her not to.

CG: AND YOU JUST EXPECT HER TO SUBMIT TO THAT REQUEST?

EB: yes! she cares a lot about me and she won’t hurt me.

CG: COINCIDENTALLY, THAT’S WHAT I HAD TO TELL HER TO GET HER OUT OF MY HOUSE WITHOUT DECIDING TO SEND ME TO THE SUN. 

EB: she was probably thinking that she was protecing me..

EB: what DID she say to you?

CG: SOMETHING ABOUT NOT CRUSHING YOUR HEART, ALTHOUGH I WOULD NEVER WANT TO EVER TOUCH THAT DISGUSTING THING AND I WOULD PREFER NOT TO SEE IT AT ALL IF THE CASE MAY BE. AND THEN SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID, WHICH WAS SENDING ME TO THE FURTHEST REACHES OF SPACE AND TEARING ME APART IF I HAPPENED TO DO SO. OVERALL, I GOT A PRETTY CLEAR MESSAGE OF DON’T FUCKING MAKE JOHN SAD OR I EAT YOUR BONES BUT ON A SPACE WITCH OF THE UNIVERSE LEVEL. 

EB: she is SO not coming over if she does this again!

CG: OH, AND SHE ALSO ASKED ABOUT HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU.

CG: WHICH, I SAID YOU WEREN’T THE WORST VERMIN OF THE WHOLE PLANET BY CONSIDERABLY A LOT, AND SHE SEEMED CONTENT ENOUGH. 

EB: what! no, you have to tell me what you ACTUALLY said!

EB: i want to hear what you think about me!

CG: THAT’S AS CLOSE AS I’M GOING TO GET TO WHAT I SAID. MAYBE IT WAS ALONG SOME NICER TERMS BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A SPACE WITCH YOU HAVE NOTHING ON ME AT ALL.

EB: :(

EB: please?

CG: NO. 

EB: pretty please??

CG: NO.

EB: pretty please aaaaaaand i’ll come over tomorrow to watch my troll best friend’s girl??

CG: NO. NICE TRY, THOUGH, I’M WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW AND I’VE BEEN MARATHONING ALL DAY. 

EB: i’ll bring snacks!

CG: NO.

EB: chocolate snacks.

CG: STOP.

EB: chocolate snacks...and a family size of gummy worms?

CG: …

EB: :D

EB: you know you waaaant them!!!!

CG: YOU DO REALIZE THIS BENEFITS ME MORE THAN IT DOES YOU, CORRECT.

EB: spill the secrets i bartered for!!

CG: FINE. I TOLD HER THAT YOU SUCK BUT NOT ENOUGH FOR ME TO THINK TO TELL YOU TO GO AWAY A LOT AND YOUR FACE IS WEIRD AND SO ARE YOU.

EB: um.

EB: is that it?

CG: YEP. THAT IS WHAT YOU BARTERED FOR. I HOPE YOU’RE WILLING TO PART WITH SOME VERY DEMANDINGLY EXPENSIVE SNACKS!!!

EB: aw man, you can do better than that! 

EB: come on, karkat, tell me how much you like me!

CG: NOPE. YOU GOT WHAT YOU PAID FOR.

EB: i did not yet pay for this!!

EB: i can just not.

CG: YOU WILL NOT DARE TO DO SO UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO SHOW UP TO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND DEMAND YOU TO PAY UP FRONT.

EB: i can fly away and you will never catch me.

CG: I’LL TAKE YOUR SHIT. I’LL GET DAVE TO HELP. 

EB: tell me what you think about me!!!!!

CG: I THINK YOU’RE A SHITSTAIN ON YOUR SPECIES.

EB: tell me you liiike me.

CG: I’LL CULL MYSELF BEFORE I WILL EVER ADMIT TO SUCH A THING.

EB: i’ll say how much i like you!

EB: it’s a whole lot. i like you a whole lot. :p 

CG: YEAH WELL

CG: YOU’RE

CG: I DON’T

CG: YOU

CG: GOD DAMMIT I HATE YOU.

EB: awww, you like me too!!

EB: admit it. you do!!

CG: OVER MY STUPID THINKPAN.

EB: your thinkpan IS stupid, numbnuts!

EB: stupid cute. 

EB: i am the smoothest person ever.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT MORE YOU WANT FROM ME. WOULD YOU PREFER ME GRAVELING AT YOUR FEET AND DECLARING THAT YOU ARE POSSIBLY JUST THE BEST HUMAN TO HAVE EVER EXISTED IN MY PRESENCE, EVEN THOUGH JADE AND ROSE CLEARLY EXIST??

EB: i mean, good enough!

EB: anyway, i’m tired, so i’m going to go to bed now.

CG: I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION WAS YOUR FAULT ONLY. IF I WAS REALLY ANGRY WITH YOU, YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW. IT’D WOULDN’T BE SOME TINY INSTINCTUAL FEELINGS.

EB: good to know! 

EB: okay, goodnight karkat!

CG: GO TO BED ALREADY.

EB: hehe. love you too.

EB: <3

ectoBiologist [EB] stopped pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

John brushes away his earlier worries and settles into his bed for the night, potently thinking about tomorrow.

\---

CG: THE FUCK. DID YOUR THINKPAN FINALLY ROT THROUGH? I BETTER NOT SEE THAT AGAIN EGBERT OR I’LL MAKE YOU GET ME TWO FAMILY SIZES OF GUMMY WORMS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter to post!! I don't know how long it'll be 'till the next one but considering I just reread all of that and posted it, I'd say I'm gonna have some chapters out soonish. Don't quote me on that though.


	5. Chapter 4: And, of course, it fails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unnecessary drama? Misunderstood intentions? Neither of them on the same page?? Yep, it's still happening. They still don't get that they are being, truthfully, unnecessarily dumb.  
> They go on a date.

“You want to _what?_ ”

Karkat, for the most part, has nothing against life as long as life has nothing against him. He thinks at this point in his life cycle, he and life have bartered and argued and settled on the fact that as long as he isn’t quite so stupid in the choices he makes and the things he says, it won’t come around in a day or two to bite him back in the ass. He thinks that, for the most part, it is a very fair bargain for how much he would abuse this power back before Sgrub bit him in the ass and really shoved his face into the dirt to show him how much he sucked at everything. It is a mutual agreement that he won’t upset the balance that has been carefully in place for a while now.

Though, it had never been in agreement about stupid curveballs like this to seemingly taunt him back into screaming and kicking like a wriggler. 

“Yeah!” The dorkus standing in front of him, smiles and sunshine and annoyingly taunting blue eyes, excitedly confirm the stupid sentence he said two seconds ago to Karkat. “Like, to a restaurant. You like restaurants, right? With fancy food?? And grossly expensive decor and chairs that make you want to itch at your butt?”

Karkat could only stand and gape at the fucker. John wants him and Karkat, the troll who is aware that venturing into normal society spells disaster for all of those who can claim to witness him and his tyrant rantings, to go _out_.

Wait, no, uh, phrasing. 

To go out within the real world, the one where other people can stare at him and look at him and have a general opinion of him before they forget about him tomorrow when they go on with the rest of their lives never again to see an instance of him. John wants the two of them to go to a fancy restaurant, eat food he could easily buy for cheaper and made way worse than going to the restaurant by having it delivered to his hive, and commit a night out to experience such a horrible thing not only by himself, but with _John_ of all people. 

To. Go. _Out_.

With _John_.

Karkat wants to smack himself in the face as the only sound to come tumbling out of his gaping mouth is, “ _Why?_ ”

“Because that would be cool, I think,” is what John replies, leaning against his front doorway in a way that conveys he thinks he is the smoothest person in the room, when he just looks like a very silly guy leaning against a doorway for some reason. “I mean, also, why not! Don’t you want to do something between the two of us?”

Karkat wants to argue that they have already been doing things between the two of them, calling out a bit of confusion, but he catches onto the first part of the answer instead. “You think going to a place where I’ll have to be stuffy and nice and not say what I want to say otherwise I throw the world through a loop for not doing something called courtesy and the waiters will give me a death glare will be, what, _cool?_ ”

“I mean, you don’t have to! We can give them a bigger tip for dealing with us afterward.”

Karkat wants to facepalm himself again, but only in John’s stupidity. “That’s not the answer I was looking for.”

“And you haven’t given me one either!” The smile John retained ferments into a struggling frown, of which it looks like there is more pursed lip on Egbert’s face than there is his actual face, like it discovered being displeased for the first time. “It’s a yes or no question, Karkat.”

“With you, it’s not even a question. I have no actual answer that you’ll agree with.”

“Well, we don’t even know if that’s true because you haven’t said it yet!”

Karkat starts grumbling out, “It’s going to be a no, honestly,”

“Aw man! You can’t just say no just because-”

“But I’m _going_ to say _yes_ ,” the troll continues louder over the human, whose face falls back onto “oh shit you were still answering” and clamping his mouth together. “Because you’ll never leave me alone if I do actually say no and I’m still not ready to meet my unmade maker that is Jade Harley’s death sentence.”

“Soooooo,” John asks, after pausing for a second to make sure Karkat was done. “That’s a yes?”

“John, you’re an idiot.” Karkat rolls his eyes while shaking his head. “Of course, it’s a yes.”

“Oh, okay then!! Pick you up at eight.”

But Karkat cannot scream fast enough as John turns and walks away from his hive as he goes, “Wait, _what??!?_ ”

\---

TG: hahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha

TG: ahahhahahhahahhahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahhah

TG: hahahhahahhahahahha

TG: hehehehehahahhahahhaha

CG: I KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT YOU ARE BUT A STONE FACED FUCKER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT SCREEN AND YOU ARE NOT CHORTLING NOR CHOKING A SINGLE SOUND OUT OF THAT STUPID FACE OF YOURS. 

TG: very bold of you to assume i did not let out a few wheezy seconds of nose breathing when i read the entire thing

CG: THAT’S A COMPLETE LIE. I KNOW THAT YOU NEVER READ THE ENTIRE MESSAGE THAT I SEND YOU AND IT’S WHY EVERY SINGLE OF ONE OUR CONVERSATIONS TAKE A TURN FOR CONFUSION AND ASSFUCKERY THAT IT IS. YOU ARE SINGULARLY THE ONE PERSON WHO REFUSES TO READ MORE THAN A SELECT FEW WORDS BEFORE TYPING A RESPONSE AND RETURNING TO MAKE SOME HORRIBLE RAPS THAT ARE NOT RAPS AT ALL.

TG: hm yes that was very interesting to say karkat sure

TG: did i win

CG: YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. FUCK OFF.

TG: youre the one who messaged me dude

CG: SHUT UP.

TG: so what are you like panicking rn or something while hes off to the bathroom

CG: WHAT? NO. THAT’S THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD. WHY WOULD I BE PANICKING. 

TG: idk its ur date dude

CG: UH, IT’S ACTUALLY 9:43???

TG: thats time dingus brain

TG: i meant ur bf

TG: you know

TG: the guy who you went with doi

CG: OH. 

CG: WELL JUST BECAUSE I KNOW JOHN DOESN’T MEAN I KNOW HOW HIS STUPID IDIOTIC HUMAN THINKPAN WORKS.

TG: hahaha you totally are just sitting there and panicking arent you

CG: THIS ISN’T PANIC. THIS IS IN NO WAY PANIC.

TG: then why are you messaging me about how IRRITATEDLY IRRATIONALLY AESTHETICALLY NON UNPLEASING HE LOOKS LIKE RIGHT NOW

TG: who even says aesthetically to describe someone ur just pulling it outta nowhere now

TG: like just shut up and kiss him on the lips instead of staring at him with bulging eyes across the table

CG: NEXT TIME YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE WITH ANYTHING RELATED TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS I WILL RETURN THE SAME AMOUNT OF HELP I AM BEING RECEIVED WITH RIGHT NOW.

TG: not to offend you but tbh i would not ask for your help in any situation like that because i think ur one and only thing to say to me would be something like HAHAHAHA FUCKING IDIOT

CG: I’M NOT OFFENDED BECAUSE YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. 

CG: I WOULD SAY THE APPROPRIATE THING IN THE SITUATION YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO FOR, WHICH BEING AN IDIOT WILL DO THAT TO YOU. TRUST ME, I HAVE HAD THE EXPERIENCE SO I KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.

TG: ah self burn

TG: well luckily i am not being an asshole and giving you actual advice

CG: AND THAT IS??

TG: kiss

TG: him

TG: on

TG: the 

TG: lips

Karkat looks up to the empty seat across from him, where his supposed friend excused himself only a while ago to journey to the restaurant’s unfindable bathroom. His irritation is rising, not just because he’s alone, but because he doesn’t quite like what Dave is insinuating to him. 

CG: WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT.

TG: uhhhh

TG: because you are at a very fancy restaurant 

TG: sittin across a guy who has so very very much romantic lovey dovey interest in you

TG: in a setting where you either coldly regard the mistake thinking you could find love in a dating app or valentines day esque where later there will a rumptious amount of eye gazing

TG: like

TG: what did you think was going to happen with that formula there

CG: AGAIN, IT’S NOT A DATE.

CG: AND I KNOW FOR CERTAIN JOHN DOESN’T HAVE LOVEY DOVEY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU JUST CONGESTED OUT OF THE SLURRY THAT IS LAYING BEHIND YOUR SUNGLASSES FOR ME IN THE SLIGHTEST. 

TG: say whatever you want man youse is there and square and lovins aflair

CG: HAS ANYONE EVER REPEATEDLY TOLD YOU THAT YOUR RHYMING SUCKS.

TG: only constantly and consistently

CG: SO YOU ARE AWARE.

TG: absolutely not i really dont care

TG: hey that rhymed

Karkat slumps his head in defeat against the table’s scratchy cloth surface, and sighs as he begins rethinking his night.

Meanwhile, a similar interest (even if executed quite differently) conversation topic has made its way into John Egbert’s nervous mind, as he overstays his trip to the cozy bathroom for quite too long to talk to someone he can trust to give him the best sound advice.

Advice that really, really sucks.

TT: Kiss him on the lips.

EB: you sound like dave!!!

TT: It’s because Dave and I happen to agree on this topic, which should concern you because Dave and I never quite fully agree so easily on anything. 

TT: In any case, you should disregard that we do and just kiss him on the lips, coward.

EB: i’m not a coward!!

EB: i’m just..

EB: nervous. 

TT: Everything in your life indicates that you really, really shouldn’t be. I mean, he agreed to it after all. And supposedly the two of you have been participating in romantic gestures for quite a while now. What is there to be nervous about something that will go in no way, shape, or form, bad?

EB: um, because i just am?

TT: Compelling addition. Expand on that?

EB: rose, I’m serious!! i’m just so nervous because i kinda feel bad for not being aware we were dating before, and i don’t want this date to go badly because i’m overthinking.

TT: So your best idea is to invoke the nervous right of an upset tummy and come speak to Rose Lalonde, the best expert around that has the best advice about romance ever. 

EB: i mean..you sorta are the ONLY person with a working romance…

TT: Thanks, I really tried. 

EB: i mean, are you NOT??

TT: John, I don’t think I could ever thoroughly describe to you how Kanaya and I courted each other in the pursuit of romance. I don’t even know if it was normal romance, considering how Kanaya is the only person I have dated. Ever. In my life.

EB: argh!! well it’s not like i can just ask dave or jade!

TT: You could.

EB: i’m not going to. i don’t want to just broadcast i’m struggling to be a good boyfriend here!

TT: But you sort of are, regardless whether you inform either of them.

EB: ROOOOOOSEEEE.

TT: Hm?

EB: how do i not mess this up?

TT: Hm, let me think of the most cliche saying I have in my notes, taping my big book of answers titled “What to do if John Egbert asks you a question”, and give the best advice I only think about all the time: maybe be yourself and don’t worry about messing up?

EB: that doesn’t help.

TT: I’ve consulted the manual. Worriedly, it doesn’t expand on what to do if you have that problem. I think you’re on your own for this.

EB: rose!

TT: You know, a good start would be not talking to me for the entire time and instead, I don’t know, talk to the guy whom you actually went on a date with.

TT: That’s just my opinion, though, I won’t tell you how to live your life. 

EB: sigh. it’s not like i’m going to stay in here forever!

EB: i’m not dumb enough to think that is a possible option.

TT: That’s good. I was about to suggest that next. It would have worried me if you would’ve agreed. 

EB: >:B

EB: i just don’t want to ruin this?

EB: it’s the first time i finally noticed we were doing romantic stuff and..this feels like a pretty big first step!!

EB: i’ve never had to think about it before and now that i am it feels overwhelming.

TT: It’s like that. But as time grows on, you become more comfortable. And you get to share that experience together, so, who knows, perhaps Karkat is feeling just as nervous about this as you are. 

TT: If, after all, you’ve never done something quite like this before.

EB: a restaurant date? i don’t think so.

EB: so..i guess that helps just a bit.

EB: siiiiiigh.

EB: fine. i guess i’ll go back out there and stop being a coward.

TT: And kiss him on the lips.

EB: and MAYBE kiss him on the lips.

EB: a BIG maybe.

TT: Nope. No maybe’s, John, you live life by the committed actions or none at all. So stop thinking and start doing.

EB: geez, thanks, very helpful rose!!

TT: You’re very welcome, John.

EB: that was sarcasm, rose.

TT: I know, John.

TT: But I know you’re a bit genuine about it too. If there’s one thing you don’t have to worry about that, it’s going to be that. 

EB: aww, thanks!

TT: No problem. I hope you have a fun time.

tentacleTherapist [TT] stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

John sighs, and sticks his phone in his pocket before exiting the bathroom and becoming an active participate to his date. 

CG: OH GOD I CAN SEE HIM COMING BACK TOWARDS ME NOW.

TG: oooooo oh so scaryyyy

TG: whats he gonna do

TG: stutter his sentences and suggest to hold hands

CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

TG: what did he already do that haha

TG: well did he

TG: karkat

TG: dude

TG: oh my god he did didnt he

TG: ahahhahahhahahhaha

CG: SHUT UP YOU ARE BUZZING MY DEVICE AND HE’S GETTING SUSPICIOUS. AND NO HE DIDN’T!!!

TG: he did just now didnt he

CG: NO

CG: YES.

CG: MAYBE.

CG: I AM STARTING TO SUSPECT THIS ISN’T AS PLATONIC AS I BELIEVED THIS WAS GOING TO BE.

TG: what

TG: what do you mean platonic

TG: im gonna state for the record that once again im pretty sure going to a RESTAURANT was never meant to be platonic AT ALL

Karkat doesn’t want to quite believe it. John?? Assuming they were on a date and that they were supposed to be romantic and date-like and whatever else it is that happens on things like that?? Being more than friends even though John told him a long time ago that would never happen???

But Karkat thinks the pieces fit _too well_ together. That couldn’t _possibly_ be what’s happening, right? Right??

Why is he overthinking this? Dammit, Strider, and his suggestive ways. It’s just _John_ , there’s absolutely no reason for him to be thinking and panicking about this. John is just being his normal, goofy, very-oblivious-to-the-things-around-him self and none of it means in any way that it's equal to..to a _date_.

Yeah. This isn't a date. It’s just two friends who went out by themselves in a fancy restaurant eating food that isn’t as good as other people believe it is.

...holding hands. And John pretending he’s looking the other way while slurping his soup too loudly and sneaking glances back over to Karkat. With his face flushed only a little. 

This is...

... _wayyyy_ too close to being a date. 

“John,” he starts, and oh no, John’s looking over at him with big round blue eyes and it makes him swallow down every thought he was going to say in place of,

“This _sucks_.”

John’s face looks stricken and he regrets it the moment he says it. “Aw man! Does it? I was trying to make it be the opposite of that.”

“I’m not saying it’s bad!” Karkat attempts to sway John’s saddened face, and looks around at other dinners around him. “I’m just saying…”

What _is_ he trying to say??

Well, Karkat at least knows this absolutely wouldn’t be considered bad for a _date_ than anything else. He knows for sure that had a significant flushed interest had captured the attention of John Egbert and brought here, they’d be absolutely floored! He thinks, who wouldn’t be? This is nearly one of the most almost-romantic platonic outing Karkat has ever been on in his life. Karkat would consider himself properly romanticized if this wasn’t platonic, and asked by John. 

But this isn’t, and Karkat is the most uncomfortable he has ever been in his life. 

“..I don’t enjoy these types of things.” He ends slowly. 

John’s face softens and sighs, to Karkat’s appeasement. “Oh. Yeah. I know.”

“What? You knew? You jackass!”

“I mean-!” John waves his hand defensively between him and Karkat. “I just wanted to give you this experience! And I thought if I was here with you, that maybe it’d make more..special, or whatever!”

“Oh,” Karkat replies, and damn, if he really _was_ on a date with Egbert, he would be blushing. “Well that’s..thanks, I guess.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” John says with a chuckle. “I enjoy doing stuff with you.”

If John isn’t careful, Karkat’s _going_ to be blushing. 

“I..do too,” Karkat manages to grit out, without any stuttering or believing that the pitch of his voice is high enough for anyone at the other tables around to embarrassingly hear him. “When you’re not an idiot. And when it’s not torture like this. I swear, Egbert, next time just ask me what I want to do! We could have had a better time in the comfort of our own hives than we have awkwardly for the past few hours here.”

John just lets out his trademark laugh, going, “Alright, fine! I promise.” 

“You better. Or I’m not going anywhere with you ever again. I swear I’ll barricade the door to my hive and block all the tiniest holes I can find so that you can’t even get in with your stupid powers. You’ll never enjoy the presence of my company as long as I can live from outside it.”

“I get it Karkat!” John squeezes his hand and leans in a little too close for him. “Besides, I don’t really need all of this either. I just really only need you.”

And, okay, yeah, that makes Karkat a little breathless. 

It’s taken a very long time for Karkat to have made his way besides John. His own mistake of first contacting the guy didn’t make any of it easy for his future self, not that anything his past self ever made it easier for his future self, but the complete bombing of the starting friendship between the two had always contained the air of rockiness. So having John as a friend, especially as his present self, had taken a lot of hard work and effort to see that John _remained_ his friend. 

So, yeah. That sentence entirely makes it feel all worth it. 

Except, before Karkat can say any of that to John when he turns his head, he’s met with a face familiar and too close to his and slight pressure on his lips, and _oh god oh fuck is he being kissed oh no he’s being kissed!!!!_

Karkat immediately shoves John away. 

“Why did you do that,” Karkat asks with clear panic, not caring about anything but why why _why John would ever do that!!!_ “Why did you- why did you _do_ that??”

“Um,” a very confused Egbert breathes. “Because we can do that?”

“Whoever said we could do that!”

John raises his eyebrows as he says slowly, “Because..this is a date?”

Karkat chokes. 

Hahahahahaha very funny John, Karkat thinks, because this is a _what?!?!_

“This- this isn’t a date?” 

Now John’s eyes are widening like Karkat’s. “What? This isn’t?? What do you mean?”

“What do _you_ mean???”

“Karkat, we’re on a date because we’re dating and because we can do that!?” 

Karkat wants to fling himself over the table as he nearly screams out, not even paying much mind to the people around them, “Who said we were _dating?!?!_ ”

John’s face mirrors his own. “You did?????”

“I did _what?!_ ”

“You did!” John says accusatory. “I didn’t even know until Dave told me!”

Oh, and _that_ pisses Karkat off. John just thought they were dating supposedly because _Dave_ said something about it???

“And you just thought Dave was telling the truth?”

“Is he not?!”

“No, you complete _dumbass!!!_ ” Karkat pushes back his chair as he stands up, fists clenched tightly. “You think- he said- was this entire night just some make-believe shit Strider coerced you into believing that by some stroke of spontaneous luck that we had been dating?? Because he _said_ something about it? And you didn’t even think to come and ask _ME!?!?!?_ ”

John just sits in his seat, dumbfounded, before saying, “Uh...Rose and Jade said so too?”

And something breaks cleanly inside of Karkat, that of which he knows exactly what it is: Karkat Vantas’s resolve to deal with John Egbert’s bullshit. 

The troll cannot say another word to John as he turns around and marches away, ignoring the drama-hungry eyes eating up the scene they had witnessed before them. If there were ever to be one thing Karkat would glumly accept being right about, it would be his warranted fear of having others notice him; and they noticed, alright. Unintentionally, he had made them notice. 

Quickly outside the restaurant and into the chilling night air, Karkat calls the one person who deserves to face the brunt of what he has to say, besides John. 

“Woah hey, I noticed you stopped answering my messages and all, but I-”

“Fuck. You. Dave.” Karkat growls his best, holding his phone so hard that it hurts against his grip. “Fuck everything you lived for, fuck everything you died for, and, most of all, fuck you for telling John that we were apparently on a fucking _date_ that’s made the most uncomfortable experience in my life!!!”

“Uh,” Dave’s confusion states. “What?”

“FUCK YOU STRIDER!” Karkat screams this time, having to pause in his step because he is absolutely too angry to be walking anywhere with the energy he had. “I bet you thought you were the funniest sack of shit to just go and tell John we were apparently in a relationship when you _know_ about how I felt for John back when-”

“Yo shouty, stop for a second.” Dave irritably sighs. “I don’t understand. What’s so funny about you and John being in a relationship?”

“Oh you think you can get anything else out of me?” Karkat yells into the phone’s surface, imagining Dave’s face, “Fuck you and fuck off!! Fuck you, fuck Rose, fuck Jade, and most of all, fuck _John!!!_ I hate you and I hope you can live with being the shittiest guy to have lived and met Karkat Vantas!!! Good night and fuck off!!!!”

“Wha-”

And, with one illogical throw to the ground, the clear snap of Karkat’s cellular device also signifies his relationship with his friend John; broken in complete idiotic rage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like messin' with them.   
> Updates from here will probably be a little sporadic, but considering I've found a refocus on this story, this might finish quite soon! Or, at least, be updated enough. My favorite bit from this chapter was writing Rose- telling John helpful advice while also poking fun at him is something I IMMENSELY enjoyed doing through her. And don't worry too much about Karkat's anger here- he's just being an idiot and irrationally finding something to be angry about to subside his fear. His fear of what? Probably kissing John's dumb face!   
> How many times will I say dumb?? As many as possible.


	6. Chapter 5: Mint ice cream is a good ice cream to cry-eat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat doesn't deserve Jade Harley, and he deserves John Egbert even less. But it's time to stop thinking about what he deserves and rather what JOHN might deserve.

The anger subsides after only a day. Less, even, if he would ever admit it to himself. But he wouldn’t. Ever. And that becomes apparent when he refuses to take John’s calls, refuses to answer the pesters from Rose and Dave. It’s apparent that he doesn’t want to break out of this hazy state and into regret just yet, and, for a few days, he manages to trick himself into not thinking about John and not thinking about anything said that evening and  _ not _ thinking about how John thought they were dating. 

John thought they were dating. He lets it sit in the backroom of his mind, seen but untouched, heard but not listened to, as he does something mundane like finally do the dishes or reorganize his movie rack or dust off the shelves in his room. John thought they were dating. After anger leaves him guilt and panic edges at his heart enough that he starts to worry if he’s about to do something dumb. Karkat ignores how anything else might be happening in the world and pretends he’s in some sort of purgatory state where his everyday life is this, and has always been, the same thing every day. He can manage it, he knows, because he lived three years without the presence of John Egbert. And, many before that, he had lived not knowing the blue-eyed human even existed. John thought they were dating, but Karkat can ignore the fact that John can, in fact, not exist in his world. Even if it hurts. Even if he tries to pretend it doesn’t.

Karkat can’t ignore when the electrified  _ zap _ has his shoulders hunched protectively in an instant, and doesn’t even have to turn around to know it’s already her. 

“Karkat,” Jade says. 

He’s sitting at his table, alone, attempting to eat the remains of what looks to be like macaroni with an appetite that left when he did that restaurant. He had been poking in poor taste at it, but now, he is still. He doesn’t move in response to her at all.

“Karkat.” Jade says a little firmer, letting her feet drop to rest on the floor, and steps just a few inches close to him. “We need to have a talk.”

His voice is wary, and worn, and his excuse will always be it’s because he hasn’t used it in a while. “No, we don’t.”

Jade scoffs, already mentally preparing herself for his foolishness. “Yes, we do! And don’t think about running away. You won’t get anywhere.”

“I know,” Is all he responds dryly.

“Karkat, I know you’re not dumb, you know.” Jade decides to walk directly behind him, coming close enough to put her hand on his chair and lean over his shoulder. “And neither does anyone else. You can’t just lock yourself up in your house in here forever!”

Karkat doesn’t respond, but the response on his face is enough to let Jade know he directly opposes that statement in the most sarcastic way. 

But Jade decides to deny herself to get angry easily. She lets her face soften, and her tone too, as she says, “You made a promise to me.”

And at that, Karkat flinches. Jade continues. 

“You made a promise that you wouldn’t hurt John. You swore to me that you wouldn’t let anything hurt him, and that  _ you  _ wouldn’t hurt him.” 

“Yeah, well, that was before everyone decided for me that we were apparently a thing. Without even telling me.” Karkat crosses his arms, the pathetic meal forgotten in front of him. “Including you.”

“No one decided anything!” Jade argues. “We literally all thought you two were already a thing. I mean, what do you call all that time you spent together??”

“I..”

Karkat, in his time, had tried not thinking about that too. He had tried not thinking about all of the hanging out, all of the outings, all of the conversations they had together. He tried his hardest not to stay up at night, wonder lodged into his mind as he had scrolled through endless conversations on his computer, watching and reading every word Egbert said and wondering about the meaning for a considered second time. He tried not dwelling on every thought he could conjure up about John taking his hand, or John asking him over for movies because “I miss you!”, or John saying “Love you, Karkat,” even though it was such a broad term and Karkat had always thought it meant he cared, not that John had- not that he thought John’s feelings were-

Jade can sense the crack in himself, and shoots.

“I’d call that something pretty serious.”

Karkat finally turns to look at her, and Jade can immediately tell that Karkat looks so worn, so tired, that she has to fight to envelop him in a hug. She can’t just fix this for him. She needs him to know that he can fix it himself.

“I didn’t mean to,” Karkat’s voice gives sadly, and then to clarify, “Break his..heart.”

Jade lets herself smile at that. “Of course you didn’t. But you did! And you did it in a pretty stupid way too. Leaving him by himself.”

“Oh, yeah, shit. I did do that.” Karkat mentally cringes as he thinks how John might’ve looked, abandoned at a restaurant with around fifty witnesses to the mess that happened. He imagines John might’ve looked like a sick infant barkbeast. “Shit. Oh shit.”

“See! You’re getting it.” Jade pats Karkat’s back with as much sympathy she can muster for him, which at the start hadn’t been very much at all. “Let it allllll out. How dumb you were. For breaking John’s heart.”

And the panic that Karkat had been avoiding for days finally cuts loose like a horse without a dog. Essentially, left to itself to run free because the dog had never been a very good horse sitter in the first place, and nobody should’ve expected the dog to be. “Ffffuuuuuuuck. I- shit. Jade, I monumentally fucked this up. I have made the worse decision of my life, ever, and I’ve made some pretty stupid calls before. I think this is the biggest screw up I have ever made.”

“Yes, Karkat, I know that.” Jade sighs as she waits for him to air out his feelings. “I know you have made bad decisions before. And you have done it again! But you need to fix this.”

“Fix?!?!” Karkat alarmingly turns to her. “How in the hell will I do that? Who  _ knows _ if he wants to talk to me ever again! I sure as hell wouldn’t if I was ditched in the middle of a- of a fucking date!! A romantic date, at a romantic restaurant, where he was probably trying to not fuck it up for me and held my hand and wanted to do it with me because, because- Jade, shit, I am the  _ biggest _ asshole in the history of assholes ever known to anyone at all.” Karkat brings his hands to his face, covering his pale complexion as he word barfs at her. “I called him a dumbass. And said he was wrong. I’m- Jade, why am I such a fucking idiot. Why would I do that?? To the person who said he wanted to make something special and be with me- Jade,  _ why _ , Jade-”

“Karkat, shut up!” Jade interrupts, prompting Karkat to look up at her. “Yeah, you messed up pretty bad. And you also shattered John’s heart into a tiny million pieces because you were being pretty dumb thinking he couldn’t like you. And you have now realized that you have made a big mistake by breaking our promise and making me want to throw you into the sun.” And when he tries to speak, Jade puts her hand up to stop him. “Nope! Face the consequences. You have made a mistake, Karkat.”

Karkat looks down at his lap, ashamed, because once again, Jade Harley is right. He awaits her sentencing, what she’ll do to him for doing exactly as she asked him not to. He believes he deserves it, full-heartedly. 

“But!” And Karkat blinks to his surprise, spotting a soft smile on Jade’s face that is more friendly than menacing and about-to-throw-you-into-space-ish. “This is  _ John  _ we’re talking about. As heartbreaking it was for you to do what you did to him, how easy do you think it’d be for him to forgive you?”

“Easily,” Karkat says without thought. His guilt doubles down on him. He’s s _ uch  _ an asshole, but if there was one person to forgive him about what he did, it  _ would _ be John.

He  _ really _ doesn’t feel deserving of how John feels about him. 

“And yet,” Jade goes on, not allowing Karkat to stir in his own thoughts for long. “You haven’t even done anything about it. What gives?”

“I messed up, Jade.”

“Hmm, yup!”

“I basically ended our relationship in front of a bunch of strangers.”

“Yeah huh!”

“I must’ve hurt him horribly.”

“Right!”

“...”

Jade stands next to him, smiling and nodding along to his every word. What else is he supposed to say? What else is he supposed to  _ do?? _ It’s not like he could just walk up to John and say he was sorry for-

Oh. He..he  _ could _ do that. 

Jade nods along to whatever thought just graced itself into the poor, poor mind of Karkat Vantas, and waits for him to speak again. 

“Jade,” Karkat begins to ask slowly. “Just how much do you want to throw me into space right now?”

Jade ponders on it. “Ummm, considering that you broke the promise and also left John by himself for more than a few days without apologizing for it?? It’s a whole lot! But, uh, why?”

Karkat’s never felt more desperate, but he turns to her fully with what he hopes is a face full of pleading, desperately gripping the back of his chair. “Because I want to know how willing you are to let me go say sorry to him.”

Jade ponders on this longer, less with a smile and more a set face with furrowed eyebrows. She looks at Karkat, whose chest is pounding in anticipation, with squinted eyes, and then looks away from him with a huff.

“You know, Karkat, sometimes you’re pretty hard to deal with.” And Karkat’s breathing holds, ready to anticipate how Jade will deny him. “But you make my brother pretty happy, and I don’t know how, but you just do!”

“What,” Karkat blanks because he wasn't expecting Jade to say anything besides no. 

Jade shakes her head, but a signature Jade smile is already on her face. “I know John’s upset with you. But he’d be even more upset if I sent you to space, even if it was for him! And that’s because he cares about you a lot. You could probably reject John a lot of times like you did and he’d  _ still _ care about you, because he’s just like that! So it wouldn’t be worth it if I just tried to make him feel better that way.”

“I don’t exactly understand your answer here, Harley.”

Jade sighs, like it should have been so obvious to Karkat’s face. “What I’m saying is, I don’t trust that you already broke John’s heart. But I know that you’re also someone who would do anything to fix what you did for him, because you’re sorta like John where you care a lot about him too and want to show it. So, even though I think this might be a terrible idea, I’ll let you go so that you can make this right!”

“Jade,” Karkat gathers as much sincerity as he can within his voice. “I don’t deserve you as a friend.”

“Nope. You don’t. But maybe one day you can deserve me as something else, like a sister-in-law!!”

“A what?”

Jade waves him off. “Doesn’t matter right now. You’re going to go to John, though, right?”

Karkat fumbles with the edge of his shirt, thinking about how he’d have to anticipate doing  _ that _ . “Yeah, but I look like shit right now. And I feel like it too. I definitely want to, but I don’t know if I should try and do it right now, but-”

“Nonsense!” Jade interjects. “He won’t care. Besides, I could just teleport you to his house right now so you can get it over with!”

Karkat’s too late to object, when he goes, “Wait, Jade, but-”

“No but’s Karkat!!” And then he feels the sense of weightlessness surrounding him, providing a closer, quieter  _ zap  _ into his ear. 

His breath stolen from him almost doesn’t allow him to register he’s going to collide into a doorway face first until Jade grabs the back of his shirt. 

“Be more careful, Karkat!” Jade tells him. “You can’t already mess this up!!”

“Jade,  _ why _ did you teleport us into John’s house??” Karkat recognizes that he’s in John’s kitchen, the familiar fading wallpaper making him look around and assure John isn’t with them.

Jade quirks her head. “..because John is here?” 

Karkat looks at her as if to say something, and then immediately drops it. Although it was going to be  _ super  _ weird to explain to John just  _ how _ he appeared into his house all of a sudden, he’s grateful that Jade just teleported him into John’s house and had not used her space powers to send him to, well, space instead.

“Okay, well, I’m going to go so that you can get a move on with your apology.” Jade studies him extensively, before adding, “You promise to make him feel better, right?”

“Yes,” Karkat replies, although uncertain. His courage is shaky and his mind runs through a thousand different ways that John is upset with him, but all he can think about is how much he’s really missed being near the same space as him. 

“Good!” Jade nods, then waves to him. “I believe in you! Don’t fuck this up!” And then she’s away with a  _ zap _ .

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Karkat only says to himself, before turning to the nearest doorway with an inhaled breath. 

He first listens out for John, or anything that might indicate John might have heard them in his kitchen. To his surprise, the house stays quiet all except for some faraway noise of a TV, of which Karkat can’t quite make the words out to something familiar. He hesitates in moving for a few seconds, but with Jade’s words echoing in his mind very clearly and his determined nature to set things  _ right _ , he pushes aside his doubts and treks forward. 

The hallway is quiet except for the slight tapping of his feet meeting the floor. He follows the sound he heard to the living room, instinctually being brought to it by his memory but aware of every step with apprehension. He starts to slow as he approaches the doorway to the living room, mind racing as to how John could react to him and what John could say to him and if John missed Karkat as much as Karkat missed John, which is a  _ really _ stupid thought because it’s his fault he misses John in the first, place, how could John miss him if it’s his fault-

He makes a full stop in the doorway as he spots John’s hunched form on the couch. His eyes flicker to the TV as notices it’s a rom-com,  _ How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days _ , and he’s nearly astonished before his eyes tear back towards John. 

John looks like, as gently as Karkat could put it, the most miserable couch potato whose favorite activities for the past few days looked like crying, more crying, little sleeping, and lastly, even more crying. Surrounding him on the couch in a pity embrace are blankets that usually don’t get pulled out of John’s storage until at least autumn, falling over him and onto the floor with careless abandon. The biggest tub of mint chocolate ice cream Karkat has ever seen sits in John’s lap with a spoon extended into its already melting surface, and John absent mindedly scoops spoonfuls into his mouth as his attention is focused solely on the movie. 

Karkat’s chest aches, because he knows he’s the one to have made John look like that. 

He clears his throat, to try to speak, but the beginning of his first sentence dies as John notices him and looks over. He can see clearly in detail the blue-eyes puffy and tired, his face a blotchy red that was way different from all the times Karkat caught John shedding a tear or two over one of his movies, and Karkat has to bite his lip from crying out at the sight. John blinks at him a few times, as if processing he was actually standing there, and Karkat wants to begin to explain himself, but neither of them says anything as they stare at each other from their respective distances. 

Then John shifts around where he’s sitting, and he goes, “Karkat?”

That breaks Karkat’s quiet stance enough to dip his head slightly. “I...yeah. Hey. John. Uh. It’s me.”

John nods, taking in his very informal sentence, and then looks between him and the front door. “I didn’t hear you coming in..”

“Jade,” is all he replies with, and John nods again, this time shorter. 

Then silence falls between them again, and Karkat wants to curse at the fact all the hope Jade left him is depleting away pretty fast. 

"Um.." John takes the silence with a slight crack in his voice. Then, to Karkat's surprise, he holds up a spoonful of ice cream. "Do you want any?"

"John," Karkat says, everything threatening at his heart because he hasn't seen John in days and the first thing he does is  _ offer  _ him some of his pity ice cream. "I'm not here for the ice cream."

"Yeah, I know," John says defeatedly, lowering his arm. “You’re..you’re probably here for what happened at, um, the restaurant, right?”

Karkat nods his head in response. 

“I..ah..” John rubs the back of his head, like he’s embarrassed, like he’s the one to feel embarrassed when it’s  _ Karkat’s _ fault he had been probably pouring his blue heart out to Matthew McConaughey on the television screen. He pulls the blanket around him more, almost protectively, and Karkat’s never felt like a bigger piece of garbage in his life. “I’m...sorry for that. I’m sorry for all of that, even if I didn’t know, I guess I should’ve known Dave might have…”

“John,  _ no _ ,” Karkat’s voice, to both of their surprise, clears out. Karkat finds himself moving forward, walking towards John with a face that didn’t mask any regret, pointing accusingly at him. “Do not apologize to me like it’s your fault! It’s Dave’s fault, because he told you that, and it’s my fault, because I’m such an asshole that I just left you there by yourself! In the most embarrassing way ever! I mean, it looked like I broke up with you for fuck’s sake.”

John blinks over at him tiredly, and goes, “Well we weren’t dating in the first place, apparently.”

Karkat’s wording comes smacking at him like a slap across the face, at full force, as he immediately tries to correct himself. “No, just, fuck- John, the point here is that I am the most idiotic force to have ever met someone as considerate as you, and you didn’t deserve any of that. That was just me being a shitty friend, in general, and I can’t believe it’s taken me these days away from you to realize what should have been pretty obvious to me in the first place!”

Karkat looks over to John, studying to see how he is reacting because he hadn’t been too focused on his face when he blurted that out. And, to his astonishment, he sees John  _ smiling _ .

“You probably tried avoiding thinking about it, huh,” John says as a statement, and not a question.

Karkat lets his hands fall to his side, as he admits a small, “..yeah.”

John shakes his head side-to-side, almost tsking away Karkat’s response. But then his face softens into concern, and he peers up to Karkat biting his lip.

“Um..so, you’re not going to say we can’t be friends anymore?”

“What in the ever-loving shit would ever make you think I’d say  _ that? _ ” Karkat answers him before he can bite down on his own tongue. Agh, no, he is just going to fuck things up again if he allows himself to say what he wants at his own will!!

But John ignores the quip Karkat made towards him. “I don’t know, probably how you ignored me for the past few days and never said anything about it?”

Karkat winces. Yeah, okay, that should’ve been an obvious one. “No. We are still friends, John, and nothing like the stupidity of my mistakes will ever hopefully come between that.”

“Okay,” and then they’re both back to square one, which appears to be a staring contest that neither of them wants to win. 

“..you know, it’s sort of awkward with you just standing there.” John points out softly, patting the seat next to him, and Karkat has a feeling this is him trying to show his forgiveness. Or at least a portion of sainthood for not completely just throwing him out at first sight like he could have. 

“It’s more awkward if I tell you how sorry I am for everything I did at our date-not-date then showed up inside your house like a creep after some time.”

“Sit,” John replies, but Karkat’s already moving forward despite his inner self protest. He missed John a  _ stupid _ amount, and that amount made him quite stupid indeed. 

John pauses the movie as Karkat starts with, “How did you even come to the conclusion we were dating?”

“Dave told me.”

“How did  _ Dave, _ ” Karkat asks with a lot of harsh bite to his tone. “Come to that conclusion?”

John shrugs and says, “Because he said you told him?”

“I can’t think of a single conversation that went anywhere with Strider and relationships. Not a single one that would have given him an idea that we might have been together. At all.”

“I dunno,” John shrugs again. “Jade and Rose told me that they had a lot of reasons to believe it. So there had to be  _ something _ , because we both know that Jade and Rose wouldn’t ever believe Dave that easily. Maybe it was something you didn’t think about when you said it but Dave did?”

“I can’t think of anything that…” Karkat begins, and then almost suddenly, stops. 

Wait. Wait wait wait, this feels like it did when  _ Jade _ had threatened him a while ago and said something about hearts, something he hadn’t been aware was human for bloodpusher and he had to ask to clarify. There had been a lot over the years that didn’t quite match up between humans and trolls, but nothing too major that would’ve prompted anything like  _ this. _ So what is edging at the back of his mind then?

And then the memory, being brought forth through eternal sunshine of horrified glory and unholyness that clicked everything together, made Karkat’s eyes widen with realization. 

_ Boy friends _ .

“John,” Karkat continues slowly. “What does boy friends mean for humans?”

“Boyfriends?”

“Yes. Boy friends.”

“...like, the term?”

“Yes, John. The term. What does it mean to humans?”

“...that a guy, uh, is dating you??”

_ Bingo _ .

“I’m such an idiot!!” Karkat declares loudly, covering his face, while his tone conveys the happiness of someone who just found a lost thing in their closet covered in dirt and nostalgia. “I  _ did _ tell Dave that we were together!”

“Uh, wha?”

“John-” Karkat turns to him quickly, grabbing his shoulders and nearly shaking him. “Dave asked me something stupid, really stupidly, like if you were my boyfriend or something and I  _ thought _ he had meant like that one really stupid term that you humans use when you’re friends with someone but they’re, like, your favorite one or whatever-”

“Best friends?” John attempts to supply.

Karkat lets go and nods wildly. “Yes!! I thought Dave was asking me that and I didn’t even think he meant  _ that, _ but holy shit that makes sense now. This makes sense now.  _ I  _ told Dave that we were dating!!! I mistook what he asked me and that’s why he thought we were!!!!”

“Oh.”

“Oh? Egbert, we figured this thing out!! It really was sort of Dave’s fault, and as soon as I call him I’m gonna stick it in his face that this entire thing was a big phony of a twisted joke that he played on us like- like-”

Karkat looks to John, expecting to be prompted, but John isn’t looking at him. In fact, John is looking solemnly away from him, looking like the saddest thing Karkat has ever seen and as if someone just told him the worst news ever-

Oh. Well, shit, that seems like the appropriate response to say after he’s brought back up the fact that they never were actually dating at all. 

Oh.

“You..you really do have those feelings for me, don’t you?” Karkat asks, instead of saying anything else, instead of keeping his mouth shut  _ god dammit,  _ and John doesn’t even look at him when he nods. 

“I..sorta thought that was obvious,” John says.

“It..is.”  _ MOUTH SHUT MOUTH SHUT!!! _

“I just wanted you to know,” John continues, still not looking at him. “That what I said to you? About just needing you? It wasn’t a lie. Even if you didn’t know about it.” John turns to him with a faint smile he doesn’t deserve, and ends with, “I liked you being my boyfriend, Karkat.”

Karkat’s  _ heart _ jumps into his throat before his thinkpan can, and for once he believes he might be saying something right when he goes, “I did so too.”

John blinks. “What? I thought you didn’t-”

“Not like  _ that,  _ dumbass.” Karkat clarifies. “I liked being around you. And spending time with you. And doing all the things that were apparently dating stuff instead of just human best friend stuff.”

“Human best friends don’t cuddle and hold hands so much, Karkat.”

“The point is,” the troll groans. “I like you. And you like  _ me. _ And that seems to be a pretty good formula for us and apparently, our other friends think that as well. So maybe we can just..”

John raises an eyebrow. “Just..what?”

Karkat attempts to motion with his hands what he means, but John, having none of it, doesn’t answer it for him. In a defeated sign, Karkat moves his arm to clasp John’s hand. 

“We can, uh,” Karkat shakily maintains eye contact with the human’s wide blue eyes. “Be..boyfriends?”

John looks at their hands, and then back to Karkat’s face. And then back to their hands. And then Karkat’s face. And then permanently lands on their hands like a piece of metal to a magnet. 

The silence feels perfectly agonizing. Karkat feels like he can’t move while John’s just staring weirdly at their hands, not moving a muscle or even appearing to be  _ breathing _ and oh god he’s starting to get a little concerned and a lot nervous by the quiet at this point. John could, totally justifiably, reject him. It’d be fair, after all. John could just push him away or say no or make him hurt just like Karkat made him-

“Yeah. Maybe we can be. I’d like that.”

And it’s not a  _ yes, _ but it sure as hell isn’t a  _ no  _ either. Karkat catches John’s eye, and the human smirks lightly at him. 

And Karkat understands what John is waiting for him to do. 

“John.”

“Hm?”

Karkat takes a breath. 

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

A pause. 

“Yeah.” And then ever so casually, John goes, “Do you want to finish this movie with me?”

Karkat gulps down the vomit of euphoria-like feelings as he answers, “Yeah, sure,” with a tone that is too suspiciously like someone who happily got what they wanted. 

John smiles at him before he unpauses the movie. They watch together closely, soon rooting enthusiastically and encouragingly as Matthew McConaughey’s character chases after the love interest of his life on a motorcycle and, supposedly, love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exasperated breaths, nostalgic movie research, some lovin' from my friend Sky, and a lot of Sour Cream Lays and Tootie Rolls later, I have given yet another chapter; this time with some idiots finally getting together for real. It was hard to write the last bit, but I powered through and it (hopefully) doesn't show how much I struggled after a certain point. But at least, this is finally over, at last, I can let this story go and conclude it with all its magnificent glory through the power of-
> 
> Wait a fuckin' second why haven't I marked this as complete just ye-


	7. Epilogue: Dave accepts full blame

The apology phone call hadn’t been unexpected. Dave knows that it only takes Karkat a while until he starts to crack under his own weighted thoughts, regrettably bringing himself back to beg for forgiveness in his asshat Vantas way. He’s gotten quite a few apologies from Karkat over the years, and although Karkat’s bark hurts when it can hit some particularly sensitive nerves, he always knows the troll will eventually feel too guilty to avoid making it right. 

What he  _ doesn’t _ expect is the addition of Egbert’s giggly voice with Karkat. 

Huh. He guesses that it makes sense why Karkat sounds particularly too happy for remorseful apologetic Vantas. 

“So,” He says after he listens to the two of them argue back and forth for a while whether it’s  _ really _ Dave’s fault, or whether or not Karkat should’ve known what the human term ‘boyfriends’ were from the get-go. “You and John, huh?”

“ _ Yes, _ ” Karkat hisses irritably. “Me and John. I guess. If I’m not assuming another human thing and that’s the question for whether or not John and I are together.”

“Just making sure,” Dave says with a smirk.

“I can  _ hear _ the smile on your face, asshole.”

“Well we can’t have another mishap in the language barrier, now, can we?” Dave notes to him. “Or next thing we know Egbert’s asking for your hand in marriage and you’ll think he wants your actual hand.”

Karkat doesn't meet him with a response, but rather, silence. A suspicious silence. 

“...marriage?”

Dave can hear the edge of uncertainty in Karkat’s voice. An impossibly large smile grows across his face as he hears the faint “Uh,” of John’s. 

“What?” Dave asks, feigning shock. “Dude, you don’t know about marriage,  _ the _ most important thing in human dating culture?”

Silence crosses heavily on the other line. Dave has to keep himself from snickering because he can just  _ see _ the two of them looking at each other with wide eyes, mouths agape in a way that makes them both look totally naive. They’re both probably internally freaking out. It probably looks  _hilarious_. 

“Well then, I’ll just let Egbert tell you about this one,” Dave smoothly lets out. "This one is all yours, Egbert."

John and Karkat’s voices both interrupt each other. 

“John-”

“Dave-”

“Call me when you want me as the best man,” Dave laughs over the two of them.

“-what does marriage exactly  _ mean _ -”

“-Strider don’t you  _ dare  _ hang up after saying-”

Dave hangs up. 

And then he does the coolest thing he can ever think of: calling first to brag. 

“Dave?”

“Hey Dave!” 

“Lalonde, Harley,” Dave quickly interjects with a chuckle. “You might wanna watch out for some invitations soon. I don’t know about the two of you, but I’m  _ definitely _ going to be a wedding Vantabert best man.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, the cycle of stupidity begins anew.   
> Goddammit Dave!
> 
> If you liked this or want to read more stories by me, I'm pretty active on my tumblr (it's mostly an art blog but I do write!): https://rabble-dabble-draws.tumblr.com


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